Men and Pornography

 Men's Interest  Comments Off on Men and Pornography
Dec 312016
 

GUEST POST by Ger Murphy

Jack(56) came to see me at my psychotherapy practice some months ago complaining of depressive episodes and lack of motivation. As he spoke he revealed that he had been experiencing strong feelings of loneliness and isolation following his wife’s recent work changes, which meant she had taken on a demanding new work role and was increasingly unavailable to him. He disclosed that their sexual relationship ,which had been vibrant, had diminished and that he had begun watching pornography for significant periods 3-4 times a week and masturbating to ejaculation.

The phenomena of the use of pornographic materials has become a major issue in the lives of many men. The increased availability of materials especially over the internet has exponentially increased the usage of porn . Pornography is now the biggest sales product on the Internet!

Many men view pornography and would say that it is harmless, and would not see it as having an impact on their sexual relationships. Many women find it distasteful, and for some it is objectifying and unacceptable. The use of pornographic material is often a secretive activity and is difficult to speak about.  It is important that we can find a way to speak of it  ,and not to simply condemn it or to guiltily laugh about it.

One way of looking at pornography which I have found useful in my work with couples as a psychotherapist is to look at the basic urge within porn. Pornography is about the urge to look. Men like looking at sexual material, and we can say that looking is an important erogenous zone for men. This may well be different for women. How could we think about reclaiming looking and its basic function for men?  Men want to look, perhaps women want to be looked at?  If these two urges could be rehabilitated into sexual relationships, how might men`s  use of  pornography be different?  If men were able to acknowledge their desire for erotic looking to their women and if women were able to allow themselves be looked at ,it could make a big difference in the use of porn.

Many men I have spoken to found that when they could ask their partners to dance for them ,dress up in risqué clothing and allow their men to gaze at all parts of their body, they found this deeply satisfying and felt deep gratitude and deepened connection with their partners. This can be  risky for   men and women to do.  Men need to be able to acknowledge their own sexual needs without guilt and with deep respect for the feminine. Women need to be able to open and be seen ,also to say no where appropriate, and have a healthy respect for the masculine including its wish to look: Engaging in such conversation can have a profound effect on the use of pornography which otherwise can be isolating, guilt-laden and a lonely and unfulfilling experience for men.

When Jack was able to discuss his emotional situation with Jane ,his wife, including his wish for increased contact and they were able to commit to a regular time for intimacy ,including the urge to look, Jack’s symptoms improved significantly.

Ger Murphy works as a psychotherapist in Dublin Ireland , can be contacted on www.iccp.ie  and germurphy@edgeworth.ie.

Names have been changed to protect confidentiality

 

Possible accompanying images:

The Seven Planks of Spiritual Practice

 Inspirations  Comments Off on The Seven Planks of Spiritual Practice
Jan 112016
 

Having a spiritual practice may be helpful to us in many ways, but what does this actually mean, and how would we start?  When I am asked about getting started, I suggest that people explore a couple of established, named spiritual paths which appeal to them: for example, Buddhism, Quakers or others.  I also suggest that they try ‘nameless’ approaches, such as mindfulness, and meditating in nature.  For a much fuller version of this advice, see chapter 8 of my book, Out of the Woods: A guide to life for men beyond 50: this section is suitable for men and women of any age.

My own spiritual path has been evolving for 40 years, helped by involvement in several named spiritual paths, and a lot of more fluid personal exploration.  These 7 planks are important parts of my current spiritual practice:

  • Divine unity: open to a sense of divine unity and vitality in all forms of life, including the land, sea and sky. This is what Jesus, in his native Aramaic, calls Alaha.  I find this is a good counterbalance to my tendency to focus on my own problems and needs.
  • Creation is now, and we are all part of it: try imagining that our world is being shaped at every moment, and that our job description as humans is to fulfil our part in this process. You can find this idea in the original teachings of Judaism, Islam, and Christianity: see the Genesis Meditations by Neil Douglas Klotz.
  • Gratitude and Celebration: yes, there are plenty of problems, and it’s easy to feel dragged down, but you can feel more resilient, more able to choose, if you focus on what’s positive, and the scope to grow through the problems.
  • Simple presence: you can find this idea in mindfulness, Christian, Buddhist and many other teachings. In essence, the invitation is to be here now, with compassion for yourself and anyone else involved, and to let go of old stories, dramas and projections.
  • Prayer: this idea is often misunderstood. I don’t mean it in a ‘Lord, won’t you buy me a Mercedes Benz’ sense: I mean prayers of conversation and invitation, where you ask to be shown how you can serve the highest good of all, and how you can fill your souls purpose in this human life.
  • Soul’s Journey: I get a new perspective, and a positive approach to upsetting situations, through the belief that my soul has a life and continuity before and after this human time, and that my soul has chosen whatever situations I am facing here and now.
  • Spiritual Community: this is what the Buddhists call Sangha. I find great nourishment and resilience in sharing spiritual practises with a group, and feeling the depth of mutual support which comes from this.

7 planks1 7planks2

Jun 162015
 

Men generally grow up seeing other men as competitors, and mostly  have poorer support networks and interactive skills than women.  Perhaps that was useful when fighting for the last bison on the plains, but it doesn’t help most men in 2015.

These days, most of us need high emotional intelligence and collaboration skills just to get through the average week.  For men, these talents need to be learned in adult life, but where?  Men’s groups provide a safe, supportive space for what can be a vulnerable process.

I have been co-leading men’s groups for 20 years, and I am repeatedly moved by how the safety and simplicity of a circle of men is so affirming.  Women don’t realise how much self-doubt most men caElder and the Ashrry: in a group of men, the first big gift is realising you are ok and accepted as you are.  It’s also a great place to learn how to express, hear and interact with feelings.

A weekend retreat with no more than twenty men is long enough for a deep exploration, and there’s also a lot of fun and playfulness that emerges when a bunch of men, even strangers, feel free and safe.

Hazel Hill is a 70-acre conservation woodland retreat centre, near Salisbury, which I’ve been running since 1987.  Being outdoors with plenty of space to hang out together round a fire, roam alone, or do some physical conservation work, is an ideal setting for men’s groups, and this wood has been used by many over the years.

On the August bank holiday weekend, I am co-leading a men’s group at Hazel Hill with Nick Mabey.  Nick has lots of experience with Mindfulness, and almost none with men’s groups, and I’m the opposite.  We’re excited by this combination, and because even we don’t know what we’ll be doing.  Our aim is to create a sense of fellowship among the group and with the wood, and then explore the issues and questions which are hot and current among us.