Relationships Archives

Song for Marion: this film has powerful lessons for older men

July 11, 2024January 1, 2017 by Alan Heeks

This is an intense, moving, ultimately hopeful film, and it’s a superb example of the bogs of anger and self-isolation that many older men get stuck in. The film’s focus is an elderly couple, played to perfection by Vanessa Redgrave and Terence Stamp. One of the delights of this movie for us oldies is to … Read more

Life lessons from the movies: Hope Springs

July 11, 2024January 1, 2017 by Alan Heeks

Is changing a relationship like changing a lightbulb? You may recall the old joke about how many therapists it takes to change a lightbulb. The answer is one: but the lightbulb really has to want to change. It may take one therapist or less to change a sterile long-term relationship, but both partners have to … Read more

Amour: French film about love in old age

July 11, 2024January 1, 2017 by Alan Heeks

A picture of joy and pain: in equal measure? Stunning is a word much over-used, especially by estate agents, but stunned is the best way to sum up my feelings at the end of this film. I have never seen a whole audience leave a cinema in such deep silence. The gist of the plot … Read more

Train Lovers: What trains can teach us about relationships

July 11, 2024January 28, 2016 by Alan Heeks

Insights from a zugteilung in Hanover The special overnight trains which in English we hopefully call sleepers, are in Germany sensibly called Nachtzug, night trains. No false expectations there. In fact, I’ve used the Nachtzug many times, and they’re very comfortable. However, my recent German holiday involved getting onto the night train in Hamburg at … Read more

Composting: the upsides of your downsides

Imagine that you can tap into a major new source of energy and insight, that’s already within you: it’s free, abundant, and just needs a bit of effort to process it. What’s more, you’ll be creating benefits out of problems that drain energy and pollute your inner ecosystem. This is what composting offers you. The ancient alchemists sought to turn base matter into gold. Composting in gardens and farms achieves this. It starts with rubbish, animal crap, rotting vegetable matter, even weeds. All this “waste”, useless in these forms, ends up as humus, highly fertile, rich in biological activity, able to renew the earth’s vitality. Recycling your waste gives your garden a free source of energy which raises the vitality and resilience of your soil, and avoids the pollution and depletion caused by artificial fertiliser. Physical composting takes several months – but the human equivalent can happen in minutes, days or weeks. Plant and animal waste usually looks bad, and smells worse. Yet it’s a major supply of natural energy, if only we can change its form. And the same is true of human energy waste: composting this is a vital element of super-resilience. This may be a new idea for you, and it’s an example of how the natural happiness approach can help you see your life differently, and discover new resources. By human energy waste, I don’t mean car exhaust fumes or old plastic cups: I mean personal energy that’s stuck or stagnant in a negative form. Here are some examples: Physical: stress and toxins that build up in your body, due to anxiety, unhealthy food and drink, etc. Emotional: negative feelings like anger or depression, and unresolved conflicts. Mental: habitual worrying, going round in circles in your mind, about big issues or everyday ones. Inspirational: a sense of hopelessness or pointlessness about aspects of your own life and work, or the state of the world. Most of us carry a lot of negative energy, stuck in our ecosystem. The first two steps are starting to notice it, and having faith that you can compost at least some of this into a source of positive energy. Five Tips for Good Composting in Practice There are several methods of composting. In this chapter, I’m referring to hot aerobic composting, because it offers the best parallel for the human system. This summary of the main principles of hot aerobic composting shows how they can apply to human energy waste. To get the benefit of the composting process, waste materials have to be gathered, sorted, and brought together. This is an investment of labour, and when you’re dealing with smelly waste it may not be very pleasant! In the same way, your first step is to identify and gather some of the waste in your life and work. This requires patience, good observation, and resilience. Your waste may include difficult feelings and festering situations that smell nasty, and you might rather bury them. 1. Gathering your rubbish You need to see where it has been buried, suppressed or thrown out. Start with physical waste, reviewing tensions and health issues. Then consider mental waste: insoluble problems, unresolved questions. Why did that friendship or that project fail? Facing such questions reveals their emotional content: many issues that may seem quite rational also involve our feelings. Observe your feelings as clearly as you can: this is part of the collection stage. Next, gather the emotional waste, identifying negative feelings and where you feel stressed. Go into this, identify the sources, such as particular situations or relationships. Keep breathing as you do this, aerating the compost. Explore any negative feelings, such as fear, anxiety, uncertainty, anger. Think of these waste feelings as a flow of energy that is stuck, and see what outcome would unblock them. Possibly you are angry because someone has not acknowledged you, or fearful because you haven’t faced the implications of a problem situation. Negative inspirational energy can be the most depleting and difficult to face. A sense of pointlessness is like a major pollution problem: pervasive and hard to clear. Use the parallel with air pollution: it can arise from one main source like a dirty factory, or from a diffuse problem like road traffic. Either way, a systemic change is probably needed: a switch to clean energy sources and processes, and more recycling. In counselling it is often said that expressing a problem is already half way to resolving it. Gathering and identifying your waste issues is a significant step in the recycling process. And avoid judging yourself or the issue as far as possible. 2. Sorting and Heaping If you’ve done your gathering thoroughly, by now you may be feeling rather daunted and overwhelmed. The sorting stage should help. In garden composting, you don’t put all waste on the heap: some stuff is hard to break down, or simply unsuitable. Especially when you’re starting on human energy composting, pace yourself, and don’t tackle the big issues too soon. Build up your skills and confidence by starting on smaller, easier issues, and getting some early wins. Typically physical and mental issues are easier to compost than emotional or inspirational ones, and work or practical problems may be easier than family and community issues. In human composting, some issues may be so big that you need professional help: for example a marriage breakup, or a life-threatening illness. Be realistic about the issues you can tackle yourself. You build your compost heap by facing your waste issues fully and deeply. If this leaves you feeling overwhelmed or despairing, just allow the feeling, observe it, and don’t deny it or judge it. Keep your sense of purpose and perspective: remember that you are more than your feelings. Adapt the Buddhist mantra: “I feel fearful, but I am not my fear.” And ensure that you have support available to you. 3. Air Supply A plentiful supply of air is essential to fuel the biological activity in the hot aerobic composting process. If Read more
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Nourish Your Roots: The Tree Test

Life and work get more confusing year by year, and that’s unlikely to stop in future. Spending time in Nature is a great way to reduce its stress and find clarity, but what do you do when you have to make a decision, in your workplace or at home, within the next few minutes? The Treeheart process can help you do exactly that. I have been creating and running a woodland retreat centre for the past 27 years (www.hazelhill.org.uk), so it won’t surprise you that I personally find trees a great source of strength and clarity. However, it has been very satisfying to see that the same is true for hundreds of people who visited this wood over that period. You don’t need to be anywhere near a physical tree to do the Treeheart process, but it does help to visualise a tree before you start. Perhaps you have a favourite tree that you visit sometimes, or a picture of a tree on your wall… Once you have pictured a tree, use that to imagine yourself merging with the tree, and imagine that you yourself have roots, trunk, and branches, then take yourself through the following four stages. You can use this process to help yourself get calmer and clearer about all kinds of situations which may be perplexing you. For modest challenges, this can hopefully help you get some clarity within a few minutes, for bigger issues, you may need a longer time, and it could be really helpful to take yourself outdoors for a walk while you use this process Roots: Starting where you’re at, recognising the truth of the situation, the ground you stand on. Imagine that your roots are spreading out into the substance of the challenge you’re facing. Trunk: A tree is both solid and flexible, and it grows slowly. As you imagine the trunk of your own tree, feel your own solidity, and use this to bring in the quality of patience, giving space to the problem. Although you may feel time pressure, take a few deep breaths, and imagine that you can give yourself even a minute or two of spaciousness to allow clarity to emerge from the tension. Heart: Imagine your own heart is deep in the trunk of your tree: breathe into your heart, let yourself smile and relax a little, and call in the quality of trust. Have faith and trust that there is a good outcome to be found here, and maybe you don’t have to make it emerge: if you relax, it might arise naturally Fruits: A tree reaches up and out to produce its fruits, nuts, berries and blossoms. Imagine your tree producing a fruitful outcome to this challenge, like a shower of blessings, which is helpful to you and everyone involved. I use the Treeheart process to help deal with everyday problems in a few minutes, and I also use it at more length, repeatedly, to help me handle my feelings of alarm and overwhelm about big issues like climate change. The form of the process I have described to you is my own creation. It draws upon a Sufi meditation created by Neil Douglas Klotz, author of my favourite book, Desert Wisdom.
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The Seven Seeds Ecosystem Model: Cultivating resilience and sustainability for people and organisations

The Seven Seeds is a unique approach using parallels with cultivated ecosystems to help individuals, teams and organisations to grow their resilience and their sustainability for both human and environmental resources. Alan Heeks has evolved this model through many years of workshops, and can facilitate tailored sessions for a range of client groups, from a half day to two days. About the model It’s clear that most of the situations and resources we’re engaged with can’t be controlled, only shaped. From his experience of starting an organic farm from scratch, Alan realised that cultivated ecosystems are a powerful model for people and organisations: they show us how to steer and shape a complex natural system to achieve outcomes we need, in a co-creative approach which adjusts to the realities of the situation. Alan’s first book, The Natural Advantage, uses organic farming as its model, and applies it for managers and work organisations. His fourth book, Natural Happiness, due for publication in March 2024, uses organic gardening as the main model, and is focussed more on individuals and community groups. For a summary of the current Seven Seeds model, click here. About Alan Alan had a highly successful business career, starting in marketing with Procter & Gamble, followed by a Harvard MBA, and including seven years as Managing Director of two businesses. He was a founder-director of Caradon plc, which has been described as “the most successful management buy-in ever”. Since then, Alan has worked as a consultant and group facilitator with businesses and non-profits. He has used some of his Caradon capital to set up two environmental charities: a 130-acre organic farm, and a 70-acre wood. See more at www.naturalhappiness.net and www.seedingourfuture.org.uk. Workshop options These are indicative: Alan is happy to tailor content to the group and its needs. His aim is always to make sessions highly participative, so the learning is experiential. Access to outdoor space is desirable: ideally a city farm or market garden, but anywhere with trees or plants will do. Seven Seeds: train the trainer This workshop would guide participants through the whole model, showing how to deliver it experientially, and how to tailor it to different needs. Duration: preferably 1 day. Seven Seeds for managers This would help participants to cultivate their own resilience and human sustainability, and to understand and nourish systemic resilience and wellbeing in the organisation. Duration: preferably 1 day, but a half-day taster is possible. Seven Seeds for coaches Here the focus is on enabling coaches to use elements of the model with their clients, addressing both clients’ own sustainability, and the organisational issues they are facing. Duration: 1 day preferable, half day possible. Change management, leadership, strategy Alan has wide experience of using the Seven Seeds as a catalyst for these and other themes, often co-facilitating with a consultant or manager familiar with the client organisation. Duration: overall 1-2 days. Seven Seeds for non-profits Alan has led workshops using the Seven Seeds model for NHS professionals (doctors and administrators), community groups, and NGOs and climate adaptation projects, shaping the model to a wide range of learning outcomes. Contact: for an exploratory discussion, please contact Alan: email alanheeks@gmail.com, phone 07494 203014.
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