Alan Heeks

A Realistic and Positive Book on Ageing: Also helpful for the ‘young-old’

 Maturing Happily  Comments Off on A Realistic and Positive Book on Ageing: Also helpful for the ‘young-old’
Nov 202020
 

The warmth of the heart prevents your body from rusting: Marie de Hennezel.

This is the best book on ageing I have read: well-informed, realistic, as well as warm-hearted and inspiring.  Marie is one of the leading French experts on ageing: she has been studying this field for years, and draws on some excellent role models and teachers.  Here are a few quotes from her to set the scene:

“Old age is neither a complete disaster nor a golden age”.

“If you are not prepared for growing old…you risk going through hell”.

“When I met some radiant elderly people…I realised that their radiance was very much the fruit of deliberate clear-headed hard work.”  This requires “bidding farewell to one’s youth and meditating upon one’s impending death”.

From this book, I learned a valuable distinction between the ‘young-old’ and the ‘old-old’: the young-old are typically aged 50 – 75, and still in good health.  The old-old are typically in their late 70s or 80s, and are facing health decline, infirmity, and often dependency.  She quotes a brilliant comment from another French expert, Olivier de Ladoucette: “people don’t perceive growing old as a progressive process, but as something that ‘attacks’ you around the age of seventy-five or eighty.  Between fifty and seventy-five, we don’t know what is going on”.  He also says “people are afraid of growing old because they cannot bear the way other people will see them…an ugly, useless burden on society”.

These comments have finally helped me to understand why so many of the young-old are in vehement denial about ageing, and don’t want to face the topic at all.  As this book explains, the young-old feel frightened and vulnerable about becoming old-old, because they see that as an entirely negative stage of life, where they will be entirely powerless.

The second great gift of this book is a soundly-based case that late old age can be a positive completion of life, even if one is dependent and infirm.  This is not naive optimism, and doesn’t deny the pain and loss of late old age: her positive view is well-supported by case histories, research and more.  Marie says:

“The second half of life has a spiritual goal.  It is characterised by the process of individuation.” “…realising one’s true nature…”  “old age is not a shipwreck, but … a form of growth … The true meaning of old age is not performance, but maturity”.

Much of the book offers specific support for this view.  Here are some of the key points:

  • Dependency: part of the gift of ageing can be “accepting our helplessness”, embracing “the freedom of allowing things to happen…putting oneself in the hands of the universe”.
  • Care provision: Marie is passionate about improving general standards of care, and cites “inspiring examples of how good it is in places.”  She advocates training for carers which sustains the human connection with clients: for example by eye contact, conversation and touch.
  • Alzheimer’s and Dementia: These are two of the most terrifying conditions for the young-old: she quotes several experts who believe such conditions are a constructive response to unresolved difficulties in one’s life.  If we can “…face up to our regrets and our remorse”, maybe in our fifties or sixties, this may change our risk of such ailments.
  • Solitude and the Inner Self: Old age can be a lonely time, but this is a great chance to learn to enjoy solitude and deepen the inner life: she has a lovely quote from one friend: “I am discovering the great value of motionless journeys”. 
  • Positive relationships:  some old people are isolated because they have a negative, complaining view of life, and a demanding approach to those around them. “The idea is not to expect too much of others, but simply to be receptive”.

The book quotes some inspiringly practical advice from another French expert, Robert Misrahi: “Elderly people risk living their death, not their life.  But old age can be a time for “rebirth”.  This needs re-education: creativity, joy, and serenity in the face of death” …He advocates helping the elderly to “travel mentally, to think through their lives, listen to music, read, write, contemplate, explore works of art, walk or meditate.”  And “rediscover…the ability to be enchanted and amazed… We should rejoice that we are still alive, and not lament the fact that we are approaching death”.  As he points out, by growing into old age like this, we are offering a real gift of wisdom to older generations.

I hope that this short piece gives you a sense of the wisdom, encouragement and practical clarity which this book offers.  I urge you to read it in full!

Vita Sackville-West on Triumphant Elderhood: All Passion Spent

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Nov 202020
 

If Vita Sackville-West is known at all these days, it is as a landscape gardener, Bloomsbury bohemian, or as the role model for Virginia Woolf’s Orlando. In fact, she is a superb novelist too: perceptive, witty and elegant. The central figure of her novel All Passion Spent is an 88-year-old widow, whose last years prove a triumphant liberation from all the limits life had placed on her.

Wendy Hiller as Lady Slane in the BBC adaptation of All Passion Spent

The story begins just after the death of Lady Slane’s husband, Lord Slane, a dry but distinguished figure, who in his time has been Viceroy of India and Prime Minister. Their children are mostly a ghastly crew, in their sixties, who assume that Mother will now live with each of them in return for rent.

To their amazement, Mother, who they see as an unworldly simpleton, takes a stand, and tells them she intends to move out to Hampstead. The children grudgingly offer to bring her grandchildren and great-grandchildren all the way to Hampstead to visit her, but she replies: “I am going to become completely self-indulgent. I am going to wallow in old age. No grandchildren. They are too young. Not one of them has reached 45. No great-grandchildren either; that would be worse. I want no strenuous young people… for it would only remind me of the terrible effort the poor creatures will have to make before they reach the end of their lives in safety. I prefer to forget about them. I want no one about me except those who are nearer to their death than to their birth.”

As the book unfolds, we come to realise that Lady Slane is an artist at heart, whose adult life has been completely dictated by her duties as a wife and mother. Now, at 88, she creates the life she wants, helped by some delightful elderly gentlemen, and by her wonderful French maid, Genoux, whose mangled mix of English and French is a total delight.

An important part of this golden phase is making sense of the past: “And what, precisely, had been herself, she wondered – an old woman looking back on the girl she once had been? This wondering was the softest, most wistful, of occupations; yet it was not melancholy; it was, rather, the last, supreme luxury; a luxury she had waited all her life to indulge. There was just time, in this reprieve before death, to indulge herself to the full. She had, after all, nothing else to do. For the first time in her life – no, for the first time since her marriage – she had nothing else to do. She could lie back against death and examine life.”

Part of this review is a deep pondering over the question of happiness, and what this really means. “Had she been happy? That was a strange clicking word to have coined – meaning something definite to the whole English-speaking race… But one was happy at one moment, unhappy two minutes later… So what did it mean?… It seemed merely as though someone were asking a question about someone that was not herself, clothing the question in a word that bore no relation to the shifting, elusive iridescent play of life; trying to do something impossible, in fact, like compressing the waters of a lake into a tight, hard ball. Life was that lake, though Lady Slane, sitting under the warm south wall amid the smell of the peaches; a lake offering its even surface to many reflections, gilded by the sun, silvered by the moon, darkened by a cloud, roughened by a ripple; but level always, a plane, keeping its bounds, not to be rolled up into a tight, hard ball, small enough to be held in the hand, which was what people were trying to do when they asked if one’s life had been happy or unhappy.”

The book evokes beautifully the state of old age, in ways that echo my own experience with the very old. For example, the interplay between past and present: “Lady Slane sat down on a bench and rested. Little boys were flying kites; they ran dragging the string across the turf, till like an ungainly bird the kite rose trailing its untidy tail across the sky. Lady Slane remembered other little boys flying kites in China. Her foreign memories and her English present played at chasse-croise often now in her mind, mingling and superimposing, making her wonder sometimes whether her memory were not becoming a little confused, so immediate and simultaneous did both impressions appear. Was she on a hillside near Pekin with Henry, a groom walking their horses up and down at a respectful distance; or was she alone, old, and dressed in black, resting on a bench on Hampstead Heath?”

The book also shows us the narrowing of focus, the physical discomforts of old age, in a positive light: “Her body had, in fact, become her companion, a constant resource and preoccupation; all the small squalors of the body, known only to oneself, insignificant in youth, easily dismissed, in old age became dominant and entered into fulfilment of the tyranny they had always threatened. Yet it was, rather than otherwise, an agreeable and interesting tyranny… And all these parts of the body became intensely personal: my back, my tooth, my finger, my toe… Of such small things was her life now made… All tiny things, contemptibly tiny things, ennobled only by their vast background, the background of Death.”

I can highly recommend this book as a delightful read, and an encouraging picture of how to find your freedom and fulfilment near the end of life.

Age is just a number: Charles Eugster

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Nov 202020
 

Re-inventing your health in later life

Charles Eugster is a pioneer in health regimes for people over 65, and well beyond. He has won medals for rowing and sprinting in his eighties and nineties! However, his book offers a lot of help for oldies less fanatically fit then he is.

Charles is a Fellow of the Royal Society of Medicine: when in his eighties he started research and personal experiments with ways to rebuild his health and fitness. His approach has three key elements: work, nutrition, and exercise. This book is relevant for anyone age 55 and over: Charles says that decisions from this age on regarding his three key elements have a big impact on the rest of our lives.

Keeping active, physically and mentally, is a crucial part of creative ageing, so he advocates continuing to work till well past statutory retirement age. He acknowledges that it’s harder to find employment when you’re older, but points out that in the US, there are twice as many tech startup founders over 50 as under 25.

The most original and informative parts of this book are about exercise. Loss of muscle mass, or sarcopenia, begins around 30, so by age 60 you’ll typically have lost 15% of your muscle mass. However, Charles’ training with expert coaches has shown how one can regenerate muscle mass even at advanced ages. Key to this is doing resistance strength work, not just aerobic exercise.

This book has a detailed guide to exercises you can do for yourself at home or outdoors, and advice on possibly using a gym. However, he recommends consulting a doctor, and recognises that few professionals in gyms know much about exercise for the over-sixties.

There’s also a chapter on nutrition and diet. Charles’ own life story is woven through the book, and makes entertaining reading. If anyone can encourage you out of your comfy armchair, he can!

Featured image: Charles Eugster running at the Alexandra Stadium

Life Threatening Crises for Friends

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Nov 202020
 

Alan writes about his experiences of friends suffering from life threatening illness.

In the past few months, the wives of two close friends have had late diagnoses of advanced cancer which could be fatal.  The husband of another friend has had a stroke.  At the Summer School I go to each year, two couples from last year are now singles, having lost their spouse to cancer.

These are relatively young people in their fifties and sixties, with a history of good health and lifestyle.

I feel deeply upset and shaky in the face of all this.  The presence of death feels big and close.  The distress of the healthy partner is almost unbearable for me: I feel powerless to comfort them or alleviate the situation.

I’ve read some good books and articles about dying, I know some of the good approaches.  But it would feel false, almost insulting, to try quoting things to these close friends of mine who are in such pain.  And whilst most of my blog postings try to offer constructive tips to you, the reader, that feels a bit too neat this time.

The word compassion literally means, ‘to feel with’.  My impression is that when I feel distress along with my friend’s, it does give him or her some comfort and support.  The desire in me to say something which would magically heal his or her pain, or make his or her partner well, I need to realise is a poignantly young, child part of me, who also needs my compassion – but the child’s desire is impossible, is best let go.

My friend’s pain, his or her partner’s illness, are true.  The fear in me is a child’s sense of inadequacy because I can’t make it all OK.  As I try to find my clear, loving adult and spiritual centre, I know I don’t have to make it all right.  Nor do I have to offer clarity in a time of overwhelming uncertainties.  All I need to do is be present in a loving way.

In my own life, I have lived through enough crises and anguish to have faith – a sense that what’s happening is the right thing, and eventually I may understand why.  Currently, my partner Linda and I are trying to live each day as if it’s our last: this is helping us to enjoy each other and all our blessings more deeply.  It’s not stirring up fears of death.

In a strange way, it seems to me that the distress of close friends is harder to bear than my own.

Here’s the letter I sent to one close friend:

Dear Steve

I feel gutted by the news about Sarah’s illness.  I hope that you can both feel my love and prayers, and those of the many friends around you, and the support of the angels and spirits who I believe are with us all.

This must be heart-breaking, and I hope you can open into whatever are the blessings of the crisis – they must be there.  My guess is that it’s a time to drop whatever ideas you had about the future, and just feel fully the love between you now.

If I can help in any way, physically or emotionally, please let me know.

With much love to you both,

Alan

Fresh adventures for creative ageing

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Nov 202020
 

Discover yourself and have some fun as you grow older.

Everyday life these days can be uncertain and unsettling for anyone, and getting older may just seem to make that worse. It may feel tempting to settle into your rut, retreat into safety. In fact, you’re likely to be more happy and resilient if you open up to fresh adventures.

This is an excerpt from Chapter 8 of Alan’s new book, Not Fade Away: Staying happy when you’re over 64!…

Born to be wild: Fresh Adventures

I don’t mean the kind of teenage lads’ adventure where you nearly kill yourself. This is about trying something new, being someone new, having the courage to explore the unknown, both in yourself and around you. It’s by exploring the new, even if it feels a bit risky, that you’ll find fresh talents in yourself, make new friends, discover more insights.

Bucket lists seem popular these days: forty things to do before you die. They often include exotic physical adventures like sky-diving in Patagonia. I don’t advocate this kind of jaunt: it’s a lot of money, a massive carbon footprint, and is it really helping you grow?

There three types of adventure explored in this chapter: inner, outer, and social. Here are a couple of ways you can check out the kind of adventures that suit you:

  • Do you have a sense of who you’d like to become, how you’d like to develop in the next few years?
  • Is there a long-standing hope or dream from your youth that you might fulfil now?
  • Do you have an interest or talent that you’ve never used, which you might develop at last?
  • Can you identify an activity, person or place that you’re a bit nervous about, but might be a fruitful adventure for you?

Adventures can have all kinds of aims. They can be about clearing old fears, resolving a conflict, or putting you in touch with a whole new side of yourself. Many of the chapters in Parts 2 and 3 of this book could show you the opening to your next adventure.

Inner Adventures

I’m using this term to mean ways you can explore new aspects of yourself, discover new strengths, and work on parts of yourself that you find difficult. These kind of adventures won’t cost money, and you can do them almost anywhere.

If you were preparing for a physical adventure, like a mountain trek, you’d prepare: you’d get the right maps and gear, you’d get fit, you’d have a plan of how to get to your destination, and back again.  All of this has parallels for inner adventures: they need planning, provisions, and fitness too.

For inner adventures, this means starting with small, easy goals, and then building up. Here are a few examples to show you what an inner adventure might look like:

  • Try some music, books, or a movie, that’s unlike any you’ve tried before. Maybe pick a category at random, like steam punk…

Remember that the nature of true adventures is that you can’t control them, they’ll take you somewhere different, you can’t be sure of the outcomes. So let go of any expectations about where you get to with all of this!

Outer adventures

These can include physical activities from the gentlest, like water colours or origami, to the most strenuous. Try to be clear why you’re choosing something: be wary if it’s just about impressing people, copying others, ticking a box.

The most satisfying outer adventures are probably those which stretch you gently, and in several ways: not just physical fitness, but also emotional resilience, mental skills and awareness. Getting out in Nature can offer all this, and is a classic way to get new insights and direction when you need them.

There are plenty of physical adventures which are flamboyant, brief and expensive, like bungee jumping. You may get more out of quieter, slower, less expensive activities, such as walking or cycling on a pilgrimage route, or doing a vision quest.

Alan with the Conservation Volunteer Group at Hazel Hill Wood.

Social adventures

As we get older, there’s a risk that we have fewer friends and personal connections. This may be because people die, fall out with each other, move away, or just simply through retirement. The skills of making and mending friendships become very important in later life, and that’s partly what social adventures are about. If you’re shy and quiet, you need such adventures even more.

Here are some ideas for social adventures:

  • Try joining one or two new groups. Pick ones where their focus interests you, but deliberately stretch yourself, see if you can make some new contacts, even if it all feels stressful. The book by Dale Carnegie in Resources may help.
  • Experiment with turning an acquaintance into a friendship. For example, invite someone you know a bit to join you for a walk or some other outing. Remember, it’s an adventure: don’t reproach yourself if they turn down the invitation, or your outing feels a bit flat.

Many social adventures are a chance to refine your communication skills (expressing yourself and listening), and your emotional intelligence (empathy and intuition). Some of the Resources for Chapters 2, 3 and 4 can help with this.

See more of Alan’s book Not Fade Away: Staying happy when you’re over 64!

The Little Book of Hygge

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Nov 202020
 

Cosy friendship in all its forms: including tea, cake, candles!

Many surveys show the Danes to be the happiest people in Europe and the world, and the quality of hygge seems to be one reason. Hygge, pronounced hoo-guh, is hard to define or translate: friendly cosiness is the closest I’ve found.

The ritual of hygge

This charming little book, a bestseller in the UK and elsewhere, is written by Meik Wiking, who works for the Happiness Research Institute in Copenhagen. Hygge matters most on long dark winter nights, and you’d feel it through candles, snuggly blankets, comfort food, board games, and relaxing with a few friends.

Meik quotes a survey among Danes, showing that the three things they associate most with hygge are hot drinks, candles, and fireplaces. So the English love a cup of tea, by a cosy fire, with a cake and biscuit, is pure hygge!

A quality that’s undervalued these days is ritual. I regard having tea with friends or family as a simple ritual, meaning that it’s a way to make the occasion more special, even meaningful. Notice how people get more relaxed and reflective if they’re sharing a cuppa!

How to bring hygge into your life

Making your life more hyggelig should help you to nourish and enjoy friendships even more. Savouring each good experience, and feeling gratitude for it, are also ways to cultivate hygge.

You can make your home cosier by using more wood for floors, walls, furniture, and bringing nature indoors – flowers, twigs, pine cones, fur rugs. And in summer, you can find hygge with bonfires and barbeques out of doors.

It may be useful to explore hygge when you’re on your own, and see how you can befriend yourself more fully. But research shows that the optimum number of people for a hyggelig experience is 3-4.

Afternoon Delights – daily comforts

My new book on creative ageing, Not Fade Away, has a chapter entitles Afternoon Delights: daily comforts. This explores ways to make everyday life more nourishing for us, such as a pause for tea, and making your home more hygge. People often like their habits, so it’s good to make a habit of looking after yourself and your home.

If you find it hard to relax and make time to look after yourself, a useful habit is to give yourself a time budget: make sure at least one hour a day you do things you love. This may be simple things like a walk in Nature, a chat with a friend, or curling up with a book.

Wiking sensibly acknowledges that Danes’ happiness comes from other factors too. The welfare state is still thriving in Denmark, so there’s a sense of collective security which has worn thin in Britain. Danes also have a good work-life balance, with high levels of free time.

Have a hyggelig 2018!

Dating Tips for Senior Singles

 Maturing Happily  Comments Off on Dating Tips for Senior Singles
Nov 202020
 

Learn new skills, have adventures…find true love!

Picture the scene: I am a newly mature single sitting alone at a table for two, wearing smart casual gear which I hope looks suitable, I am waiting for my blind date, Jackie, to appear. To look my best, I am not wearing my glasses, which means that people entering the room are blurs to me. She looked good in the picture she sent me, but how long ago was that? A rather bulky female blur comes in, and I half rise, then sit back in relief. Now a slim and rather sexy female blur glides in, and I stand up. I’ve got it right – it is Jackie. As she gets closer, I realise she looks pretty and empathic – what a relief!

The new world of mature singles dating

Some years before this scene, I recall one of the single guys in my men’s group telling me how he’d met this woman through a soulmates ad, and had a blind date with her. It seemed scary and artificial to me, and I declared I’d never do it. In fact after my long first marriage ended, I had numerous blind dates through soulmates ads, and found two good relationships through them.

If you’ve been many years in one relationship, it’s a strange new world to meet as a senior single.  This is one of the biggest re-inventions you may need to take on.  Ideally, before you plunge into dating, you need to sort yourself out more basically.  This means clearing self-destructive habits like depression, anger, addiction, and learning better communication skills.

Communication skills may sound a long way from romance and dating, but it’s not. As mature singles, we can’t expect sexual chemistry to blow us away and weld us together. Empathy is what you need now! This requires skills in truly listening to your date, maybe reflecting back what you’ve heard, also voicing your own feelings appropriately, and finding the common ground. You’ve probably both been hurt before, so feeling safe, heard, respected matter a lot.

Dating advice to get you started

  • Make the best of yourself

If you’ve been living alone as a senior single, or in a long-term relationship, you may be used to scruffiness.  If you’re dating, you will need smart, freshly washed clothes, a good haircut, and fresh breath: this assumes you want to succeed, and are not hooked on being rejected. If you want to hear more advice, my latest book, Not Fade Away, explores positive ways to face ageing and the dating scene from my own personal experience.

  • Don’t let your Story take over

Most of us have a Story, dating from childhood, which sets a pattern for our relationships as adults. If you felt abandoned or rejected, idolised or isolated, guess what might come up on a blind date? My book shows you how to understand your Story, and replace it with a positive one.

  • Find your own way

Blind dates and soulmates ads can be stressful, and they don’t suit everyone. Maybe you already know someone you could explore connection with? Or think about places to meet people: I know men who’ve joined yoga classes and women who’ve signed up for car maintenance, with a double agenda!

  • Screen before you date

Every blind date is a big emotional and time investment.  Do as much screening as you can before meeting up, to improve your chances of success.  Know the kind of partner you are looking for, and check things out by phone or email.  Understand what the other person wants, and if you’re likely to suit each other.  Ask for a picture, and send yours.  Learn what matters most to you, and the questions that can explore this.

  • Enjoy the journey, not the outcome

Blind dates are nerve-wracking: you are both accepting or rejecting each other, and it probably happens within the first minute.  I can recall a couple of blind dates with truly gorgeous women, who ticked all my boxes, but were clearly not interested.  There is a gift in all this, learning to value yourself even when she turns you down.  I tried to enjoy the conversations, even when they were going nowhere.

  • Blind dates are not therapy sessions

If you’re still hurting from a major breakup, this nice person across the table may seem ideal to pour out your troubles to.  Don’t!  Start with easy topics, go gradually deeper if it suits both of you.  Keep it a dialogue: ask plenty of questions, talk about yourself, but not for too long.  Talk about positives: what you enjoy, what you are looking for and offer in a mature relationship.

  • Happiness is wanting what you get

You may be yearning for another settled, long-term relationship, or desperate to avoid commitment. Part of being a senior single is staying open to what’s possible, here and now, learning to embrace surprises and be gracefully flexible.

  • Value what you offer

You may worry about your looks, but don’t be hard on yourself.  You are not in your twenties, that’s just a fact.  Fortunately, most mature people value other qualities more than looks.  If you offer emotional competence, empathy and dependability, you are a good prospect!

For senior singles, dating is a good test of your general attitude to life. Try to treat dating as an adventure, a chance to learn about yourself and human nature. Even the rejections are a chance to grow. And remember, many people do find enjoyable flings or lasting love in their golden years.

For further reading on creative ageing check out Alan’s two books:

Pilgrim without map or boots

 Inspirations  Comments Off on Pilgrim without map or boots
Nov 202020
 

Fresh adventures in later years

As we get older, we need fresh adventures to keep us growing. Two new experiences I’ve been enjoying are short pilgrimages and retreats. The difference between a pilgrimage and a walk is subtle: I’d say a pilgrim is walking with a deliberate intent, such as meditation or healing, and often with a special destination, maybe a sacred site like Lindisfarne.

The difference between a retreat and just staying somewhere is subtle, and also about intent. I now try to have a few days away on my own twice a year when I can reflect, take stock, and set out some future intentions. Recently I did a self-guided retreat at the Northumbria Community, a centre in rural mid-Northumberland, inspired by the Celtic Christian monasteries which once flourished in this area.

One of the spiritual practices they encourage here is pilgrimage: the journey itself is a chance for prayer and contemplation, as well as the place you travel to.  So I decide to do a day-long pilgrimage to the coast, a few miles away.  Glancing at a map, I can see there’s no simple route, but there’s an interesting, tangled network of lanes and footpaths.

I’m just fifteen minutes into my hike when I need to check my route, and find I’ve left the map behind.  I find this hilarious, a good cosmic joke.  My book for Men Beyond 50 is eloquent about the way men love maps and knowing where their route options lie.  I conclude I am meant to be a pilgrim without a map for the day, so I press on.

Lacking a map forces me to use other methods: observation, intuition, and asking strangers.  All of these help, and at length I reach the goal I was aiming for, the delightful, small seaside town of Amble.  When I get back later and review the map, I can see that my route was more long and wiggly than it could have been, but it was my own original creation, and I’m proud of it.

Well before I reach the coast, I am suffering from my other oversight: footwear.  Travelling light on a 2-week tour of the North, I don’t have room for walking boots.  So I have borrowed a pair of over-sized, thin-soled wellies.  Their effect on my soles is like those meat tenderisers.  And I still have to walk back!  Is there a lesson in my suffering?  I haven’t found it yet.

Lindisfarne Castle, Northumberland

Spiritual communities are so varied, and this is an interesting new one for my collection.  It’s diverse in age, gender and nationality, but aims for a monastic quality.  You can see this in the simplicity of the lifestyle, and the rhythm of four services which guide you through the day. It’s a Christian community, but very welcoming to all. Services are led by different members of the community, and much of it is participatory.  At Compline, the 9.30pm service for the end of the day, there is a prayer which everyone says in turn: My dear ones, O God, bless Thou and Keep, in every place where they are.  Everyone is asked to sit in silent meditation for a few minutes before and after the services, and I felt this deepened them.

You may wonder, what did I get from my four days on retreat. Firstly, a sense of catching up with myself, and integrating a hectic and exciting period since New Year.  Secondly, a sense of relaxing and expanding which I always find in the wise, empty, beautiful landscapes of Northumbria. Thirdly, deep gratitude for the resources, health and freedom to be here. And lastly, a sense of being nurtured by life, by Nature, by those close to me, and a calling to give out love and nurturance to everyone around me.

Days later, my feet are still sore, but that’s a useful reminder: you don’t have to be dependent on maps and boots, you can get by without them – but life’s easier with them!

Many aspects of this episode offer insights about creative ageing: finding new skills when we seem unprepared for the situation; handling stress with humour and inventiveness; taking time out; and letting the rhythms of community nourish us, in some form or other. All useful tips for the fresh adventures of life!

For further reading on creative ageing check out Alan’s two books: Not Fade Away – Staying happy when you’re over 64! Out of The Woods: A Guide to Life for Men Beyond 50

Mysteries of elderhood: effects of ageing

 Maturing Happily  Comments Off on Mysteries of elderhood: effects of ageing
Nov 202020
 

Alan Heeks shares his development through the life stages

When I turned sixty in 2008, I set a clear intent of moving into elderhood, growing beyond my prevailing warrior-hero approach to life. Ten years on, I can report good progress on my development through the life stages, but as well as further mysteries.

Elderhood and the effects of ageing

For most of my adult life, I have been a happy workaholic: drawn to situations where I had lots of challenge and responsibility, working in a state of high adrenalin which gave purpose and structure to my life, and paved over the murky depths beneath. All this has been dissolving and under scrutiny since I turned 50. I have made numerous descents into the murky depths, sometimes just falling in, sometimes an orderly visit properly equipped with a therapist. I aim to be friends with the early wounds and neurotic habits which still thrash around in those depths: I don’t believe they ever disappear, but an elder has their measure…

A major effect of ageing and elderhood for me is at work: instead of being a manic prime mover, I am really trying to change my habits, working collaboratively, enabling others, offering a wise presence and holding the space, instead of rushing in. I’m achieving this quite a lot of the time, but… it’s not very exciting.

Other changes that may come with ageing

I recently found an excellent medical herbalist, Nick Hudis, who specialises in the health issues of older men. In a recent consultation, I described changes that may come with ageing, such as having low energy, morale and libido. Nick gently observed, “Sounds like low testosterone: nothing’s exciting any more?” before women reading this loose interest, I’d like to point out that, while the physiology may be different, I think many of the issues around elderhood are the same. So hang on in with the journey!

Nick went on to say “This is why it’s so important for older men to have a sense of purpose. Otherwise they become couch potatoes.” Absolutely, and plumbing the murky depths, and other great stuff eloquently laid out in my book, Out of the Woods: A Guide to Life for Men Beyond 50. What my book covers less well is this issue about the lack of excitement. Part of this is biological fact: men’s testosterone levels do decline with age. But the chat with Nick got me thinking positively about better ways to handle all this.

Whilst women at this life stage might use different language, there are shared issues for both genders about loosing one’s sense of significance and purpose: people don’t pay you so much attention. You have to find your sense of direction and significance for yourself.

Helpful activities of daily living

So here are some of my helpful tips and activities of daily living as I explore happy elderhood:

  • Reconnect with purpose often: if you don’t feel a sense of purpose, seek it or ask to be shown it. Bathe in you sense of purpose often: enjoy it, value it. For each of us to believe that our purpose and presence makes a difference is crucial in these times.
  • Feel generous and abundant: if you can feel this, it can help you to make approaches, and share your talents and insights with other people – even if they are not seeking you out. You have a lot to give, but it’s you who has to believe this the most.
  • Be tremendously present: whether you’re making love or making sandwiches, this helps. Imagine this is your first moment in life, in a body: every moment is potentially exciting.
  • Find the fellowship of other elders: this may not be easy! Your contemporaries may be floundering more than you are, and in deep denial about getting old at all. Try cautiously nudging your acquaintances and friends towards a more meaningful discussion.
  • Mindfulness: focus on the breath and sensations of the body, to reduce the power of negative thoughts and feelings.
  • Ration your media: limit your intake of mainstream news and ads to what you can happily cope with. Too much of this can shred your attention span, raise your craving for distractions, and sap your ability to be present.

I feel very blessed with worthwhile work projects, a superb marriage and family: enjoying all this as an elder may have less adrenalin, but it has huge potential richness.

For further reading on creative ageing check out Alan’s two books:

Born to be wild: fresh adventures

 Maturing Happily  Comments Off on Born to be wild: fresh adventures
Nov 202020
 

Everyday life these days can be uncertain and unsettling for anyone, and getting older may just seem to make that worse. It may feel tempting to settle into your rut, retreat into safety. In fact, you’re likely to be more happy and resilient if you open up to fresh adventures.

I don’t mean the kind of teenage lads’ adventure where you nearly kill yourself. This is about trying something fresh, being someone new, having the courage to explore the unknown, both in yourself and around you. It’s by surprising yourself and exploring the new, even if it feels a bit risky, that you’ll find fresh talents in yourself, make new friends, discover more insights.

There are three types of adventure you might like to explore: inner, outer, and social. How can you tell what kind of adventures suit you: here are a couple of ways you can check them:

·         Do you have a sense of who you’d like to become, how you’d like to develop in the next few years?

·         Is there a long-standing hope or dream from your youth that you might fulfil now?

·         Do you have an interest or talent that you’ve never used, which you might develop at last?

·         What might you do that would surprise you…?

Inner Adventures

I’m using this term to mean ways you can explore new aspects of yourself, and discover new strengths. These kind of adventures won’t cost money, and you can do them almost anywhere. Here are a few examples to show you what an inner adventure might look like:

  • Try some music, books, or a movie, that’s unlike any you’ve tried before. Maybe pick a category at random, like steampunk…
  • If you don’t do meditation, try it – mindfulness and some other methods are designed for first-timers.
  • Experiment with slowing right down, and observing: watch the wind in the trees, or your own breath coming and going. See how much you can notice.
  •  Try observing yourself, kindly: try a benign running commentary, highlighting the good things you’re doing.
  • If any difficult feelings come up for you regularly, try befriending them, chatting with them: ask what you can do to stop them troubling you.
  • Consider keeping a journal, as a new way of understanding yourself. The book The Artist’s Way has a good method for this.

Remember that the nature of true adventures is that you can’t control them, they’ll take you somewhere different, you can’t be sure of the outcomes. So let go of any expectations about where you get to with all of this!

Outer adventures

These can include physical activities from the gentlest, like water colours or origami, to the most strenuous. Try to be clear why you’re choosing something: be wary if it’s just about impressing people, copying others, ticking a box.

The most satisfying outer adventures are probably those which stretch you gently, and in several ways: not just physical fitness, but also emotional resilience, mental skills and awareness. For many of us, learning to relax and have fun can be a stretch! Getting out in Nature can offer all this, and is a classic way to get new insights and direction when you need them.

Social adventures

As we get older, there’s a risk that we have fewer friends and personal connections. This may be because people fall out with each other, move away, or just simply through retirement. The skills of making and mending friendships become very important in later life, and that’s partly what social adventures are about. If you’re shy and quiet, you need such adventures even more. Here are some ideas for social adventures:

  • Try joining one or two new groups. Pick ones where their focus interests you, but deliberately stretch yourself, see if you can make some new contacts, even if it all feels stressful. 
  • Experiment with turning an acquaintance into a friendship. For example, invite someone you know a bit to join you for a walk or some other outing. Remember, it’s an adventure: don’t reproach yourself if they turn down the invitation, or your outing feels a bit flat.
  • Do you have any unresolved conflicts in your life? Maybe someone you fell out with years ago, or a person you see currently, who you don’t get on with? A brave adventure would be to seek them out, and try to clear the air. Having a third party friend to support you both can be very helpful, and make things safer for both of you.

This is an adapted excerpt from Alan Heeks’ new book, Not Fade Away – Staying Happy When You’re Over 64, available from Amazon and other online channels.

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